The Narcissists

Zoë Coombs-Marr


Blank stage but for a one by two metre tarpaulin sign that reads “The Optimists!” with the Facebook and twitter logos and @The_Optimists_2010.

Now 2015, the handle is embarrassingly short sighted, a fact CAROL won’t let KERRY forget. But they are stuck with it. They will refer to it in their show, as they must; like a bad haircut it demands acknowledgement.

John Spiteri
Cabaret 1995
Oil and enamel on composition board, 63 x 78 cm
Artbank collection, purchased 2012

The lights dim.

 A hush comes over THE AUDIENCE perhaps a second too late. A regional crowd, unaccustomed to the theatre, they fail to pick up on the subtle hints that the show is about to start. They are still chatting about parking at the venue or whatever it is that crowds chat about, so when the music starts up it jolts them slightly.

Carol picks her tux’n’tails leotard out of her bum, puts her self-respect aside and enters the stage.

CAROL: Hello! [Insert name of town here] It is so good to be here

Enter Kerry in identical tux’n’tails leotard

"...some of you clearly got lost on your way to the pub."

KERRY: But I’ll tell you what, parking in this town is a bloody nightmare!

Laughter from the audience.

CAROL: At least it’s not as bad as [insert name of nearby rival town here]

KERRY: Not that you’d want to park there too long. I think I saw someone with two heads!!

CAROL: Not that we can talk Kerry. I mean look at our twitter handle. Kerry did that. Clearly he thought it would be 2010 until the end of time!

KERRY: Last time I join a doomsday cult!


CAROL: And look at this lovely audience here tonight.

I can see some of you are here for the music, some of you are here for the jokes, and some of you clearly got lost on your way to the pub.



Read in full via the online issue